Tuesday, August 31, 2010

to.

울지 않을려고 했어..
울지 않을려고 힘 썼어...
마음 아프게 하지 않을려고..
네 마음 내가 흘린 눈물로 힘들게 하지 않을려고 참고 또 참았는데. 또 이렇게 울고 있는 나를 발견하게 되었네. 내가 강하지 못해서 미안해.
어떻게하면 울지 않을까. 자꾸만 약해지는 내 마음..
쉴새없이 흘러 나오는 눈물..어떻게 할수없나..?

crying your heart out because of it

울고 싶다
울기 시작하다
우는 얼굴을 하다
흐느껴울다
큰 소리내어 울다
엉엉 울다
실컷 울다
아파서 울다
울면서 밤을 새다              
울다가 잠들다
울어서 눈이 붓다
울며 세월을 보내다
또,또,또

cry one's heart out. 가슴이 터지도록 울다
매일 매번 밤만되면 마음이 약해지는거같다..
하루종일 울고
이제 그만 이라고 말했는데
이젠 안울겠다고 말했는데
근데 왜 마음이 약해지는걸까..
그냥 다 끝났으면 좋겠다
눈물이 없었으면 좋겠다
아프지 않았으면 좋겠다
그냥 울고싶어

Saturday, August 28, 2010

yet another chapter of life

so it's almost september and all i can think of is school.
another year in high school.
i'm not complaining, it's my fault that i'm staying back.
i don't really mind victory lapping. 
so many things happened during the summer.
now summer's coming to an end.
most of my friends are going away to universities.
i'm going to miss all of you and best of luck. 
some are staying back. (thank god i won't be alone)
i guess it's another 'fresh' new start.
that's the thing about university. it's a brand new life.
it's some what like time travel. 
start something new, no one knows anything about you. 
all i'm going to say is that i'm not really happy about looking forward to this school year. but i'm not sad or anything like that.
i just hope that i can be new (again) 
and just enjoy life. 
for the first time with you.
lovelovelove ♥

Sunday, August 22, 2010

what now

turns out i can't just give up that easily.
getting reality check from my friend. who used to be more than a friend.
it hurts. more than a bitch, more than anything.
but i needed it.
i need to realize what's right in front of me. 
stop hoping or expecting.
even though i hate him, it's how much i like him.
i hate him to the extent that i want to rip his balls off and feed it to him.
(so my friend said i should do)
but then again i like him to the extent that i'll give up almost anything.
(i did give up almost everything already..)
who knew that i would turn out to be like this.
i didn't know i had this in me.
i didn't want it and i still don't want it.
isn't this the reason why i couldn't be with other guys?
i couldn't give up anything for anyone. scared of commitment. (what i'm best at, which is now fucked up)
what changed me? why did i change?
i don't know what to do...
feel confused, depressed, annoyed, angry. all these emotions except for happiness or anything of that line.
help?

Friday, August 20, 2010

conclusion

i give up
i know i'm stupid
i know that i should do something
but i just can't
hope. is that what you call it?
hoping for a change 
hoping that he'll notice
fat chance but i just can't let go
i'm an idiot
i'm still dying and feeling like shit
but like he's going to know right?
oh, how i love my life.
it looks like i'm going to have to do this for the rest of my life
wonderful ain't it.


dear anonymous 
my dear blog reader that commented on the two blog i just wanted SOMEONE to read, thanks. at least i know someone's there just reading my crap and giving me advice. hopefully i could do something in return. somehow. but for now, thanks. 

everything

don't know why i'm wasting my time.
don't know why i'm going through all this.
so much to think about.
so much to deal with.
no time.
no way.


i can't see all these things in a different way.
i don't know how i can see these problems in a different way.


is it so wrong to dream about dying?
i mean a few weeks ago when everything started to build up to this huge gigantic blob of problems, i don't remember dreaming while i was asleep.
it was just pitch black and i won't remember anything.
then after all the shit started to happen i  guess i got into depression and i started dreaming and hoping about death. 
i hope it's not something serious, and i don't think it is. 
but is it wrong?
in my dreams i would dream that i'd be in some kind of accident, murder, suicide and other ways to die.
when i'm on the subway or bus on my way to work or coming home from work, i'd hope something will happen. let it be a crash, a bomb, just something that'll hurt me or get me killed. 
and don't say that i'm emo or suicidal. cause i'm not. 
okay maybe sometimes i say 'just kill me' or 'i want to die'. but i don't really mean it. 
and now here i am dreaming about dying. hoping that i'll die.


i mean the problems right now can't be the worse thing that'll ever happen to me.
think about it i'm just eight teen, not even twenty. i haven't even lived half of my life..hopefully. thanks to my cigs i don't know how long i'll live. LOL
sometimes i wish i could just numb myself so then i don't have to feel pain or sadness not even happiness. just feel no emotions what so ever. 
after that i'd block myself from the society and rot to death. really i'm not emo or anything of those lines.
it's funny how something so little can turn out to be a huge ass problem that just happens to be a pain in your ass. at first it wouldn't hurt, maybe a little poke. then it'll turn into a pinch, that'll hurt a little. after that maybe a slap in the face and cause your cheek to turn red. and finally a punch that'll knock you out.
right now it feels like the punch but more. something that'll just make me suffer for the rest of my life. 
yeah yeah i don't know what life is, i'm too young and shit. fuck you. you don't know the bullshit i'm going through. you have no fucking idea how much i suffer living each day. putting on a fake smile, looking like nothing's wrong, it's like playing a fucking joke on a little annoying kid just to shut them up.
these people don't know shit that i'm going through. especially this fag i call my boyfriend.
like at first i was all sad and shit. bawling my eyes out because i didn't know what to do and i was just lost. i was confused and just felt like my life was fucked. i still feel like that but now it's a more of the anger to i don't fucking care phase. i would be sad that he wasn't there for me when i needed him. well it seems like he doesn't fucking care about anything about me so why the fuck should i care about him? i mean i've talked to him but he doesn't do shit. he's still crashing at a friend's place, going to parties, and i have no fucking clue what else he does but i don't fucking care now. 
if he doesn't care then why should i. i felt like shit because i thought i was losing him. not as a boyfriend but also as like my best friend that i've ever had. i didn't exactly tell him that i feel like he doesn't care shit about me but i've talked to him about stuff. he said that he understood. but really..do you? we're fucking retards even thinking that this was going to work. i mean even my friend that i've known for like less than a year said that 'why do you think you guys were ex's'. BING. is your light bulb turned on? if it isn't go see a fucking doctor. i fucking hate it how i feel so shit. how i go to work, come home and stuff myself with food. while you're having a shit load of fun with your friends. well most of my friends are dead and what not. so i have nothing to do...this is sad. but i just hate it how you just go out and have fun, while i'm just here. going crazy. 
i feel like my life is just one fucked up mess that was covered with lies from my family, friends and myself. turns out my family's all a joke, a lie, and there is no family. my parents laughing and smiling while i was little. they were all jokes. they were covering their shit cause they didn't want to show me. friends come and go. i've lost a few good friends and this one person that i thought i would keep until i get old but oh well. she left too. i kinda felt that i was using her but i was actually a good friend. at least that's what i thought. taking out all the bitchy moments i had. 
i was gonna make this like into those things i did with all my previous posts. make it all artsy? creative? i don't know, something NOT like this. a fucking essay. with major grammar problems. but yeah. i have no such thing as family, friends are just people that i see in the streets. and my boyfriend. hmmm. what are you...? what am i to you? oh that's a good question. what am i to you. i'll ask him that when i see him. which is probably in september cause he's too fucking busy to see his fucking girlfriend. and all he says is 'sorry'. and i was being nice and said that it's not his fault. HAH well it if your fault. i'm actually pretty amazed that he doesn't read this. i mean if my girlfriend wrote all this shit like even the previous posts i'll be worried as fuck. but since he doesn't do anything i'm assuming that he hasn't read anything. is that a good thing? well he did tell me to write so i am writing/typing. but he's just not reading. i have work in like 7 hours and i really need to sleep but i can't. well i'm waking up in like 5 hours, takes time to get ready and shit. mehhh
since my life is officially fucked, i am proud to say that i fucking hate my life. 
OH i forgot about the expectation of the boyfriend. okay so i thought he was going to be there for me while i was going through all this shit. like before when my parents were fighting and i called him and he like ran to my house to pick me up. what the fuck happened to that? i mean seriously it's not JUST my parents and shit, it's EVERYTHING. and i text him and he says 'sorry'. i just find that very amusing. OH and the best part i say that it's not his fault blah blah blah and he says 'i'm going home now' and i was just like...okay why are you telling me that? maybe like ten minutes before i was BAWLING MY EYES OUT like non stop. i just couldn't stop fucking crying and then after i talked to like two friends and calmed down my boyfriend texts me and says 'sorry i left the phone in my friend's car' and i say 'it's a little too late' and he says 'for what?' and i said that i was crying and he was like why and blah blah blah. somehow it got to him saying like sorry i wasn't there for you. AHAH i just find that fucking hilarious because i fucking called him twice and i texted him and he doesn't know. he has no fucking idea that i'm dying inside. he has no clue that i'm killing myself just to be with him. just fuck it. 
since he's not going to read it i really don't see a point. i was planning to cry in front of him and be all 'oh my gash i don't know what to do wahhh i want to die wahh why can't my life be normal wahhhhh i want my mommy wahhh'. well that didn't work. my tears were dried up from the night before and decided to take a break from crying. i think he knows that i'm wasting my time, crying while talking to my friends on msn. LOL telling them how i feel and shit. crying myself to sleep. that was pretty interesting. i was listening to Bruno Mars - Just The Way You Are and i was like awwwwwwwww i wish my boyfriend said all these nice things to be. awwwwww fuck you. no just fuck it. you don't care. so fuck it. fuckity fuck fuck fuck. fucking wasting my time crying.
have fun with your friends and who knows what's going to happen to me while you're having the time of your life.
so fuck my life. hoping that i'll die in my sleep or something. overdose of cheetos and coca cola LMFAO. fuck.
i'm going to be lazy as fuck and stuff myself with junk food and turn out to be a fucking obese gook.
that was a shit load of writing. i'd be amazed if anyone really read it. congrats if you did. you know my life. go buy yourself an ice cream

Monday, August 16, 2010

fabulous day


went to eaton centre with thamia today.
got my mind off of things.
really loved the day spending with her.
i don't really tell her stuff.
but i know she's there for me no matter what.
no bitching, no lies, no jokes.


we went to 7west cafe.
great food. forgot to take pictures of the food ):
she ate pizza and i ate pasta.
both got salad at the side.
she got greek and i got caeser.
she didn't like the dressing, she said it tasted weird.
i liked my food. food was wonderful.
location was really nice too.
small place with three floors. we were at the second floor.
the washroom was really small but it was cute.


after lunch we went to bloor and walked to bay st.
walked down to dundas and before we entered we saw an artist on the ground.
he was drawing a 3D art work on the ground by using chalk.
he was raising money for his dog that needed surgery.
he looked very kind. i forgot to take picture of the painting.
but i did take pictures of what he wrote at the side of the drawing.


we went into eaton centre and just looked around.
before school starts i'm thinking about getting a cell phone. (:
got all the brochures from different phone companies.
want to compare and see which plan is the best and which plan i can afford.
since my parents are being bitches i have to pay for everything.
mia needed a big back for university.
she bought another tna back since her old one was worn out.
i was looking for new jeans, a new winter coat and sneakers.
kept in mind of forever21 jeans or blue notes for jeans.
i would like a tna winter coat but they're at least 300$. oh my...
for sneakers i want keds. i'll either get them from journeys or soft moc.
mia also bought a wallet from guess.
then when we were done we decided to take pictures at the photo booth.
the booth was at the lowest floor but they were having renovations.
it was moved near the entrance to queen station.
we took our first photo booth pictures together.
i took the first two and she took the other two. 
embarrassing picture with my best friend mia. (: 
i'll never forget how important you are to me.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

how i feel

just when you think your life can't get any worse.
just when you think that this is the lowest point your life can reach.
everything tumbles down.
like an avalanche. 
there's no way you can stop it. 
what do you do when you see an avalanche coming your way.
i'd want to be buried under all that snow and freeze to death.
hoping that no one finds me. 
but like that's ever going to happen.

i see all these people.
friends, family, and just people around me.
living their life. enjoying their life. "carpe diem" they'd say.
then i look at myself. 
i don't dare compare. i can't compare to those people.

i'm in this hole in the ground. 
when i tell myself,
'there's no one digging the ground. the ground doesn't just get deeper for no reason.'
i look up.
looking at the blue sky. it seems like i've never seen such a beautiful thing.
the thought of never being able to see the sky as i lay down with the people i adore the most.
not even trying to find a way out. i crouch down and fall asleep,

i thought he would be there for me when i was going through all this.
i thought he would at least act like he cared about me.
i thought he would try to understand.
i thought he would....
are these expectations?
i'm not expecting him to do those things. i just thought that he would...
he told me that he would be there for me.
he told me that he cared.
he told me that he understood.
were they all just lies..?

i seem to want to know everything about him.
i want to know where he's at. who he's with. how long he's going somewhere. for what reason. etc.
i'm not like this. i don't even remember being like this. if i saw myself in someone's eyes i'd be calling myself a clingy bitch. annoying as hell and fucking emotional.
i didn't care when we were friends. i didn't care if he came home at 3am or crashed at a friends place.
not even when we started going out. at least not at the beginning.
and now here i am. wondering what he's keeping from me. what he's not telling me. where he is. if he's okay.
i don't know why i'm like this. i never expected myself to be like this.
what should it matter to me what he does? i shouldn't care. i tell myself i don't.
but i do.
somehow it feels like he doesn't want me to know what he's doing. it feels like he's not telling me on purpose. i'm too scared to ask. i don't bother asking because i'd chicken out and not be able to ask one simple question. 
he's at a party. okay. with who? where? how long? where is he going after?
fuck.

진짜..내가 뭘해야되는지 어떻게 해야되는지 몰르겠어.
내가 왜이렇는데?
생각할께 더 생기고. 풀것은 산더미쳐럼 쌓였고. 내가 하는건 왜 아무 효과없을까..
'가족' 이란 뜻과 의미가 있었던날이 언젠지 기억도안나.
'친구' 는 뭔가. 난 그게 있을까 아니면 그냥 내 착각이야?
'사랑'.그건 또 뭔데. 그렇게 좋은것도 아닌거같은데 사람들이 왜 좋아하는지 몰르겠어.
내 인생에 제일 중요했던것들이 한순간에 다 없어져버리면...난 왜사는데?

i care for other people. i put them first. i put myself down in order for me to be able to talk to them.
i'm no better than anyone. i'm no better than anything. i'm nothing.
they laugh at me, they make jokes, they make me hate myself.
but i'll always put them first. i'll care about them then me later.
i try to help their problems, push mine aside and deal with it all by myself.
sometimes i'd ask for help but they don't really know why i'm feeling a certain way.
i keep everything to myself. problems i have in life, my fears, my dreams, just everything about me.
if someone tries to understand me, try to see who i really am. i shut up them off. 
block them from getting into my thoughts. stop them from entering my mind.

we were at his place and i gave him something to eat.
i didn't want his hands to get dirty so i fed him. he'd try to feed me but i rejected and he couldn't understand why. 
he'd say. "why not?"
i'd say. "no it's okay, you eat."

i met him outside and we walked to the bench to talk.
he was touching my face and i didn't want him to get makeup on his hands. 
he said. "did you cake your face?"
i said. "yea. i've been doing that for the past 3 or 4 days."
he said. "why?"
i said. "because...can you stop touching my face? you're gonna get makeup all over your hands"
he said. "i'm trying to rub it off."

all i did was put him first and put myself aside. 
i didn't care if i was hungry, or if my hands were getting dirty.
i didn't want him to be hungry, or him to get makeup on his hands.
so tell me what i'm doing wrong. 
i'm did everything i can. at least i tried. 
i gave him time to be with his friends, i gave him space, i gave him anything i could.
is this how it feels? when you just give, give, give and get nothing back.

confused. doubting. depressed. upset. 
feels like little parts of me die every second i'm alive.

나 지금 울고 싶단 말야
너땜에 울고 싶단 말야
힘들어 울고 싶단 말야
예전처럼 웃고 싶단 말야
또다시 울고 있단 말야
나 울고 있단 말야
앞길이 너무 어두워 난 두려워 
너 없이 미래가 안보여 나 무서워
슬픔의 눈물 맨손으로 닦아
제발 내 옆에 있어줘
너 없인 난 용감하지도 못해

Friday, August 13, 2010

tell me that this will end

everyone asks why. 
i say it's just so.
they don't get it.
neither do i.
and neither do you.

you thought we would be happy. 
at least that's what you thought.
you're happy.
i'm not.
but it's not like you're going to know.

i keep everything bottled up remember?
you think i'm an alcoholic.
you think i'm a smoker.
you don't even trust me.

i don't see why i have to go through all this.
all the shit you put me through.
while you just sit and relax.
who knew i'd end up this way.
feeling like shit every time.

well i hope you're even happy now. you have all the time in your hands.
not having to worry about me. have fun going out with your friends.
drinking and partying. have a great time just chilling.
not having to think about anything.

so have fun while it lasts.
lets hope we never go through this again.
it shouldn't have started in the first place.
i was just too blind to see.
well now i know.
that i should stay the fuck out of your life.