everything

don't know why i'm wasting my time.
don't know why i'm going through all this.
so much to think about.
so much to deal with.
no time.
no way.


i can't see all these things in a different way.
i don't know how i can see these problems in a different way.


is it so wrong to dream about dying?
i mean a few weeks ago when everything started to build up to this huge gigantic blob of problems, i don't remember dreaming while i was asleep.
it was just pitch black and i won't remember anything.
then after all the shit started to happen i  guess i got into depression and i started dreaming and hoping about death. 
i hope it's not something serious, and i don't think it is. 
but is it wrong?
in my dreams i would dream that i'd be in some kind of accident, murder, suicide and other ways to die.
when i'm on the subway or bus on my way to work or coming home from work, i'd hope something will happen. let it be a crash, a bomb, just something that'll hurt me or get me killed. 
and don't say that i'm emo or suicidal. cause i'm not. 
okay maybe sometimes i say 'just kill me' or 'i want to die'. but i don't really mean it. 
and now here i am dreaming about dying. hoping that i'll die.


i mean the problems right now can't be the worse thing that'll ever happen to me.
think about it i'm just eight teen, not even twenty. i haven't even lived half of my life..hopefully. thanks to my cigs i don't know how long i'll live. LOL
sometimes i wish i could just numb myself so then i don't have to feel pain or sadness not even happiness. just feel no emotions what so ever. 
after that i'd block myself from the society and rot to death. really i'm not emo or anything of those lines.
it's funny how something so little can turn out to be a huge ass problem that just happens to be a pain in your ass. at first it wouldn't hurt, maybe a little poke. then it'll turn into a pinch, that'll hurt a little. after that maybe a slap in the face and cause your cheek to turn red. and finally a punch that'll knock you out.
right now it feels like the punch but more. something that'll just make me suffer for the rest of my life. 
yeah yeah i don't know what life is, i'm too young and shit. fuck you. you don't know the bullshit i'm going through. you have no fucking idea how much i suffer living each day. putting on a fake smile, looking like nothing's wrong, it's like playing a fucking joke on a little annoying kid just to shut them up.
these people don't know shit that i'm going through. especially this fag i call my boyfriend.
like at first i was all sad and shit. bawling my eyes out because i didn't know what to do and i was just lost. i was confused and just felt like my life was fucked. i still feel like that but now it's a more of the anger to i don't fucking care phase. i would be sad that he wasn't there for me when i needed him. well it seems like he doesn't fucking care about anything about me so why the fuck should i care about him? i mean i've talked to him but he doesn't do shit. he's still crashing at a friend's place, going to parties, and i have no fucking clue what else he does but i don't fucking care now. 
if he doesn't care then why should i. i felt like shit because i thought i was losing him. not as a boyfriend but also as like my best friend that i've ever had. i didn't exactly tell him that i feel like he doesn't care shit about me but i've talked to him about stuff. he said that he understood. but really..do you? we're fucking retards even thinking that this was going to work. i mean even my friend that i've known for like less than a year said that 'why do you think you guys were ex's'. BING. is your light bulb turned on? if it isn't go see a fucking doctor. i fucking hate it how i feel so shit. how i go to work, come home and stuff myself with food. while you're having a shit load of fun with your friends. well most of my friends are dead and what not. so i have nothing to do...this is sad. but i just hate it how you just go out and have fun, while i'm just here. going crazy. 
i feel like my life is just one fucked up mess that was covered with lies from my family, friends and myself. turns out my family's all a joke, a lie, and there is no family. my parents laughing and smiling while i was little. they were all jokes. they were covering their shit cause they didn't want to show me. friends come and go. i've lost a few good friends and this one person that i thought i would keep until i get old but oh well. she left too. i kinda felt that i was using her but i was actually a good friend. at least that's what i thought. taking out all the bitchy moments i had. 
i was gonna make this like into those things i did with all my previous posts. make it all artsy? creative? i don't know, something NOT like this. a fucking essay. with major grammar problems. but yeah. i have no such thing as family, friends are just people that i see in the streets. and my boyfriend. hmmm. what are you...? what am i to you? oh that's a good question. what am i to you. i'll ask him that when i see him. which is probably in september cause he's too fucking busy to see his fucking girlfriend. and all he says is 'sorry'. and i was being nice and said that it's not his fault. HAH well it if your fault. i'm actually pretty amazed that he doesn't read this. i mean if my girlfriend wrote all this shit like even the previous posts i'll be worried as fuck. but since he doesn't do anything i'm assuming that he hasn't read anything. is that a good thing? well he did tell me to write so i am writing/typing. but he's just not reading. i have work in like 7 hours and i really need to sleep but i can't. well i'm waking up in like 5 hours, takes time to get ready and shit. mehhh
since my life is officially fucked, i am proud to say that i fucking hate my life. 
OH i forgot about the expectation of the boyfriend. okay so i thought he was going to be there for me while i was going through all this shit. like before when my parents were fighting and i called him and he like ran to my house to pick me up. what the fuck happened to that? i mean seriously it's not JUST my parents and shit, it's EVERYTHING. and i text him and he says 'sorry'. i just find that very amusing. OH and the best part i say that it's not his fault blah blah blah and he says 'i'm going home now' and i was just like...okay why are you telling me that? maybe like ten minutes before i was BAWLING MY EYES OUT like non stop. i just couldn't stop fucking crying and then after i talked to like two friends and calmed down my boyfriend texts me and says 'sorry i left the phone in my friend's car' and i say 'it's a little too late' and he says 'for what?' and i said that i was crying and he was like why and blah blah blah. somehow it got to him saying like sorry i wasn't there for you. AHAH i just find that fucking hilarious because i fucking called him twice and i texted him and he doesn't know. he has no fucking idea that i'm dying inside. he has no clue that i'm killing myself just to be with him. just fuck it. 
since he's not going to read it i really don't see a point. i was planning to cry in front of him and be all 'oh my gash i don't know what to do wahhh i want to die wahh why can't my life be normal wahhhhh i want my mommy wahhh'. well that didn't work. my tears were dried up from the night before and decided to take a break from crying. i think he knows that i'm wasting my time, crying while talking to my friends on msn. LOL telling them how i feel and shit. crying myself to sleep. that was pretty interesting. i was listening to Bruno Mars - Just The Way You Are and i was like awwwwwwwww i wish my boyfriend said all these nice things to be. awwwwww fuck you. no just fuck it. you don't care. so fuck it. fuckity fuck fuck fuck. fucking wasting my time crying.
have fun with your friends and who knows what's going to happen to me while you're having the time of your life.
so fuck my life. hoping that i'll die in my sleep or something. overdose of cheetos and coca cola LMFAO. fuck.
i'm going to be lazy as fuck and stuff myself with junk food and turn out to be a fucking obese gook.
that was a shit load of writing. i'd be amazed if anyone really read it. congrats if you did. you know my life. go buy yourself an ice cream