how i feel

just when you think your life can't get any worse.

just when you think that this is the lowest point your life can reach.

everything tumbles down.

like an avalanche. 

there's no way you can stop it. 

what do you do when you see an avalanche coming your way.

i'd want to be buried under all that snow and freeze to death.

hoping that no one finds me. 

but like that's ever going to happen.

i see all these people.

friends, family, and just people around me.

living their life. enjoying their life. "carpe diem" they'd say.

then i look at myself. 

i don't dare compare. i can't compare to those people.

i'm in this hole in the ground. 

when i tell myself,

'there's no one digging the ground. the ground doesn't just get deeper for no reason.'

i look up.

looking at the blue sky. it seems like i've never seen such a beautiful thing.

the thought of never being able to see the sky as i lay down with the people i adore the most.

not even trying to find a way out. i crouch down and fall asleep,

i thought he would be there for me when i was going through all this.

i thought he would at least act like he cared about me.

i thought he would try to understand.

i thought he would....

are these expectations?

i'm not expecting him to do those things. i just thought that he would...

he told me that he would be there for me.

he told me that he cared.

he told me that he understood.

were they all just lies..?

i seem to want to know everything about him.

i want to know where he's at. who he's with. how long he's going somewhere. for what reason. etc.

i'm not like this. i don't even remember being like this. if i saw myself in someone's eyes i'd be calling myself a clingy bitch. annoying as hell and fucking emotional.

i didn't care when we were friends. i didn't care if he came home at 3am or crashed at a friends place.

not even when we started going out. at least not at the beginning.

and now here i am. wondering what he's keeping from me. what he's not telling me. where he is. if he's okay.

i don't know why i'm like this. i never expected myself to be like this.

what should it matter to me what he does? i shouldn't care. i tell myself i don't.

but i do.

somehow it feels like he doesn't want me to know what he's doing. it feels like he's not telling me on purpose. i'm too scared to ask. i don't bother asking because i'd chicken out and not be able to ask one simple question. 

he's at a party. okay. with who? where? how long? where is he going after?

fuck.

진짜..내가 뭘해야되는지 어떻게 해야되는지 몰르겠어.

내가 왜이렇는데?

생각할께 더 생기고. 풀것은 산더미쳐럼 쌓였고. 내가 하는건 왜 아무 효과없을까..

'가족' 이란 뜻과 의미가 있었던날이 언젠지 기억도안나.

'친구' 는 뭔가. 난 그게 있을까 아니면 그냥 내 착각이야?

'사랑'.그건 또 뭔데. 그렇게 좋은것도 아닌거같은데 사람들이 왜 좋아하는지 몰르겠어.

내 인생에 제일 중요했던것들이 한순간에 다 없어져버리면...난 왜사는데?

i care for other people. i put them first. i put myself down in order for me to be able to talk to them.

i'm no better than anyone. i'm no better than anything. i'm nothing.

they laugh at me, they make jokes, they make me hate myself.

but i'll always put them first. i'll care about them then me later.

i try to help their problems, push mine aside and deal with it all by myself.

sometimes i'd ask for help but they don't really know why i'm feeling a certain way.

i keep everything to myself. problems i have in life, my fears, my dreams, just everything about me.

if someone tries to understand me, try to see who i really am. i shut up them off. 

block them from getting into my thoughts. stop them from entering my mind.

we were at his place and i gave him something to eat.

i didn't want his hands to get dirty so i fed him. he'd try to feed me but i rejected and he couldn't understand why. 

he'd say. "why not?"

i'd say. "no it's okay, you eat."

i met him outside and we walked to the bench to talk.

he was touching my face and i didn't want him to get makeup on his hands. 

he said. "did you cake your face?"

i said. "yea. i've been doing that for the past 3 or 4 days."

he said. "why?"

i said. "because...can you stop touching my face? you're gonna get makeup all over your hands"

he said. "i'm trying to rub it off."

all i did was put him first and put myself aside. 

i didn't care if i was hungry, or if my hands were getting dirty.

i didn't want him to be hungry, or him to get makeup on his hands.

so tell me what i'm doing wrong. 

i'm did everything i can. at least i tried. 

i gave him time to be with his friends, i gave him space, i gave him anything i could.

is this how it feels? when you just give, give, give and get nothing back.

confused. doubting. depressed. upset. 

feels like little parts of me die every second i'm alive.

나 지금 울고 싶단 말야

너땜에 울고 싶단 말야

힘들어 울고 싶단 말야

예전처럼 웃고 싶단 말야

또다시 울고 있단 말야

나 울고 있단 말야

앞길이 너무 어두워 난 두려워 

너 없이 미래가 안보여 나 무서워

슬픔의 눈물 맨손으로 닦아

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