Tumblr has taken over...
I've decided what want to do with my life. Become a photographer.
I had considered it before but didn't really think it through. today, a few hours ago, I researched, read, thought about the things I needed to do in order for me to get into the program.
There's so much shit to do...but so little time! the portfolio deadline is february but the outside photography course starts in january. I need to take a portfolio class (I think it's better to), buy a DSLR, new laptop, apply to OCAD and before the portfolio and applying to university I need to take some photographs...the last time I took photography worthy photographs was in high school. that's a long ass time ago. I need to start thinking about my long term life LOL
Wish me luck..I'm gonna need it

frustration

anger

miscommunication

confusion

just everything's annoying, and i feel hatred towards it.

when i was younger i didn't know why i felt like this

but now after having continuous fights and disagreements with my family

i get it.

it's not just them, there's a problem with me as well.

we always have this 'fake family image' of being all happy and a loving family.

now, they were all lies from the beginning. 

i was little, so didn't understand and i wasn't old enough to experience the shit i have been through to deal with the messed up problems in this house.

we all had this mask on. it wasn't just me.

this thing was there the entire time. this feeling of disgust, hate, anger.

when i was smaller, i thought it was just me. 

i thought i was just the one in this perfect family that was fucked up since i was 'different' 

i'm not smart, outstanding, or anything they thought i'd be.

but neither am i a pathetic, retarded, and incomprehensible person. 

the shit they tell me, the crap they put into my mouth

like right now i'm really really really just frustrated and all i can do is blog.

fuck

my 

life

Wordless Apologies

"Tension fills the room and black clouds linger by the ceiling fan. Dinner was late, bills piled up, nobody called home.
now you're steaming in front of the TV while they're crying softly in the bedroom upstairs. The stalemate burns quietly until they some down, enter the room slowly, grab your shirt sleeves, and look right at you with a pair of warm, moist eyes while starting to give you a soft, smiling apology.
But you  see them coming and your stomach churns with a wave of regret, so before they even get it out, you interrupt with a head shake and a hug.
AWESOME!"

choice?

i'm just wondering..don't i have a choice to choose my future?
still today, i have no idea what i want to do. i haven't applied to any college/university.
i can choose when i want to go..right?
it's MY future. MY life. MY deicision.
so why can't people just let me be?
why can't people wait?
yes, i get that they're worried about me but what's their business with my issues?
NOTHING.
thank you for being concerned but stop asking me.
this is really frustating because they have no idea how all this shit in my brain is all jumbled up and i'm trying to sort them out, but these people are making it even worse by keep asking me the same goddamn question.
when i know where i want to go, what i want to do, i'll tell you.
so please just let me be.

The Book Of AWESOME (by: Neil Pasricha)

The sound of rain from inside the tent

     Okay, straight up: You know those big kettle drums you see in the symphony? The ones being pounded with padded drumming sticks by a bald guy in a tuxedo? Well, the sound of rain from inside the tend is like living in a kettle drum.

     Now, let's be honest. The best thing about the sound of rain from inside the tent is that it means you're inside the tent, not outside in a wet T-shirt on your mud-splattered hands and knees, trying to hammer some plastic stakes into the mushy ground. Yes, putting up a tent in the rain is pretty high up there in The Book Of Annoying, a nonexistent netherlist that also features: Walking into spiderwebs, When you realize you're out of deodorant as you're putting it on, When someone says the punch line to the joke you're telling, and Forgetting your umbrella at the restaurant.

     The sound of rain from inside the tent feels safe, secure, and comforting. After all, you're out in the elements, safe from the elements. You'll get the marshmallow roasting sticks later, you'll build a fire tomorrow, but for now it's time to lie on the bumpy sleeping bag, put your hands behind your head, and just enjoy the noise.

     AWESOME!

fate

i was talking to my friend on messenger and we came across talking about regrets.

i'm learning to let go, to stop regretting and being so hard on myself.

it's always painful to forget something or someone that was so important to you.

but one by one it starts to ease and you'll be over it in no time.

my friend told me to think of it in this way.

if things were supposed to happen, then it would have.

like fate.

in his example, it was something like this.

seeing friends in the bus or in the mall. 

choices that he's made that ended up in "oh what the fuck, i didn't expect that."

it's fate. 

these things are to help us in our tough times.

when we are going through our struggles.

something that will get us back on track. 

something that will put us at ease.

i don't know if i believe in fate.

i don't know if i believe in anything.

but as far as i'm concerned, i have friends to help me.

with different friends with different point of views, it helps me get through each day.

one friend said that they're not sure if they believe in fate.

it's all luck based.

another friend said that they don't believe in fate.

by taking the definition in the dictionary she has explained to me that everything isn't predetermined unless it's related to some kind of religion. everything changes all the time and it's the choices that people make that will change their lives. nothing is predetermined other than the fact that the physical body will start decaying and die one day. 

i don't know what fate is.

i'm not sure if i will ever believe in it.

it's just one of those things (:

blast from the past

i had a conversation with a friend of mine.
it was about all the things we did together last year.
all the shit we've been through.
the laughs, cries, screams, everything. 
this time it was different.
i didn't regret anything.
i wished that we could go back, to do the same mistakes or the right choices.
but i didn't regret doing something wrong. 
my friend and i had a lot to talk about.
it felt like such a long time since i've talked to him.
he's right there for me, all the time (i think? haha). 
i've never really thought about that. 
we miss what we did together and with our friends.
at school, at a party, just chatting on facebook even.
we were just looking back. 
we've both moved on, but not fully.
we do miss those days, and hope to go back.
but we never regret. 
just keep looking forward.
hopefully we make more memories we'll remember in the future.

crush

someone told me a while ago that liking someone just as a crush is better than being in a relationship with them.
so i dared to ask them why.
they simply replied...
"because if you have a crush on them, it makes your heart pound like crazy, gives you butterflies in your stomach, and it just makes you happy."
when i heard that at first, i thought 'is this person stupid?' 
i mean being in a relationship is obviously way better than just liking someone one-sided. they treat you right, they love you, care for you, do everything for you. right? RIGHT? no. not always.
from where i stand at the moment. it is better to just have a crush.
even though he might not know how you're feeling towards him. it's the feeling you get when you see him, when you're near him, when you hear him. 
it's just everything about him makes you happy.
that's how i feel.
my girl friends make me smile, laugh like never before and be happy. 
so does he, but in a different way and a lot more from him.
i don't think it'll work out if we were ever in a relationship and i like it this way.
he probably doesn't know and he probably has some other girl.
but the fact that he makes me smile like the happiest girl in the world, the fact that he makes me laugh really loud, the fact that he just makes me happy for who i am.
just talking to him puts a smile on my face. 
it's hard to describe exactly what i'm feeling. 
all i can say is
it's just a crush (:

epiphany

nothing much these days, just working and chillin with my girlfriends.
helping my parents a lot at home now.
barely going out at night.
watched Thor with a few friends last friday after work. awesome movie!
still havent watched Fast Five. i must watch it soon.
got a friend of mine at my workplace.
there's really nothing interesting around me.
i kind of miss all the fun i had during winter...
but i have to stop thinking about it.
i've done a good job not regretting what i did.
what i did about a week ago. i dont regret that at all.
he hasn't replied so fuck it.
where's the epiphany i learnt last week monday.
i always waste my time thinking about him, how to make him happy, how i can help him out, things i needed to do to get his attention. it was all a waste of time. i was just giving good shit to him. jackets, clothes, food, he borrowed money from me, transit fares...like what in the world is wrong with me?!?!? really am i that stupid?
i was but not anymore. i'm not going to waste my time worrying about him when i have way better things to do.
the more i think about it, he's been nothing but a really bad influence on me.
we would bun up, munh on food, be lazy and do nothing!
now i work more, exercise, not spend my money on weed, and my family and friends like me better this way.
all you got to know is that i'm happy.
i'm happy and doing very well, perfectly fine without him.
i cannot believe i just found this out a week ago, when i should have known this months ago.
i'm fairly disappointed in myself but at least i know know it now.
better than finding it out a year later right?
i'm proud of myself, the fact that i don't have him to embarrass me.
he's not going to pull me down anymore.
he is done and completelyout of my life for good.
i think i've learnt a very important life lesson because of him.
so i thank you for that and i hope you have a good life knowing that for all the shit you've done, i'll be happier without you.
know this too, there are other people who don't like you and they call themselves your friends. not my problem but i just wanted to say that you were one of them.

sometimes i feel like i'm the only one left.
i'm the only one feeling so dead.
feel like i'm all alone.
but i know my friends are there for me.
i know that they still care. i know they still love me.
it's just me.

weird

i feel like today's a weird day...i asked my ex why he cheated on me. he was high. (no shit) but not super high. high enough. it was weird. i told him he knew it was coming someday. he asked why now. i told him because i have the guts to ask. before i didn't. i'm really curious. i really want to know. i thought he's going to use his high as an excuse. and i was right. he did. he told me that he would text me or something when he sobers up. i said no. i want to know now. and because there's a party the next day and i know that he was going to get CRUNK. (most likely just high the fuck out of his mind). right now i bet that he's thinking wtf is wrong with this bitch. why is she acting like this. what's wrong with her. blah blah blah talking shit about me. whatever. he said one thing. just ONE THING that made him cheat on me. i knew it was going to be THAT because he told me before. but i never knew that people were talking about. people as in his friends and my friends. i really didn't think that he'd believe in them since i was his girlfriend. (but as always i was wrong, i guess friends do come first for him) before when we were going out. i asked him what was bothering him. i literally had to FORCE him to talk to me about how he felt. it's weird. he tells me to tell him everything that's on my mind. and i did. but he didn't tell me anything that was on his mind. i thought that that was a little odd. but that was the past. this is now. so i asked him if that was all but i knew there was more. i knew i ruined his high so he was probably thinking somewhat straight forward. then he just stood there not saying anything. i told him that i would stand there until he told me. nothing. i wait. nothing. i said that he was hopeless and just walked away. i text him when i got home (maybe that wasn't such a good idea..but oh well i already did). i said that i'd wait for him to tell me since he said that he would when he sobers up. i also said that he probably wouldn't talk to me EVER again (true...) so if it's better then text me about it. (but really i highly doubt that he will) i think what he will do is get high the fuck out of his mind tonight at the party and try to forget about it. never think about it again. never talk to me again. THE END. of our friendship. my friend told me that we would be friends again. but it might take a long time. (even longer than what it took before, a few good months). right now, after 2 hours of that shot conversation i'm thinking. i just lost another good friend of mine. but it had to come out some day right? i mean i couldn't ask before because i was a fucking pussy but now it's different. I'M DIFFERENT. i can't just hold it in any longer. we were still talking, we were still close friends after the break up. but i knew, we knew, that this day would come. it happened. all we gotta do is WAIT. well that's what i'm going to be doing. i'm not sure about him. today's a weird day. it's one of those days that i'll remember. it's one of those days i'll constantly think of and tell my friends i forgot about it. it's one of those days that i'll regret. not this time. i will NOT BE REGRETTING what i did because what i did a few hours ago, i should have done a while ago. when we started as friends again. a few good months ago. but what can i do now. nothing. all i have to do is wait. i'm impatient. very impatient but waiting is all i can do at this time. hopefully it doesn't turn out like my other ruined friendships. i'm hoping something good happens. if anything GOOD can happen.

stupefied

so my dad picked me up from work with my mom.

something's different. the mood was different.

i said "hi appa!"

no response. as he drives he starts tearing.

he's trying to say something but he starts crying.

i'm shocked.

i have never seen my dad cry. NEVER.

i'm speechless. it's personal issues but i'm blogging it...

my grandparents got a divorce when i was a baby. 

before i came to canada they were done and over with.

then all of a sudden, one day a call from australia. 

it's my uncle and he says to my grandma that his father's dead.

a call came from the police to my aunt in korea. 

they said that her father died.

they don't know when or how.

he just died.

i really thought that my dad wouldn't care.

well maybe a little since it's his biological dad but i mean he hasn't seen him for such a long time i really didn't know that it would be so hard on him.

then i come to think that maybe he did care. it was his dad after all.

as soon as my dad tells us i text my sister.

she called me right away.

she asks what happened, how did they find out, when did it happen etc.

"i don't know" is all i said. we actually don't.

so here we are feeling depressed. 

a few moments ago it was all happy joy joy for me.

now i don't know what to feel.

i feel upset that my dad's crying and he lost his dad.

i feel upset seeing my dad in this state. and really it's not the best time. (more personal issues that i will not go into detail)

i have plans for tomorrow to chill with friends. i don't think i should go...i think it's best for me to stay with my family and just try to comfort my dad.

but how? 

this is new to me. i didn't have to deal with a dead family member before. 

well i did but not someone this close. not that my grandpa was close to me at all but he's still a part of the family, somewhat.

i have a responsibility as a daughter but what do i do...?

sometimes

“Sometimes, there are things in our life that aren’t meant to stay. Sometimes, change may not be what we want. Sometimes, change is exactly what we need. And sometimes, saying goodbye is the hardest thing you think you’ll ever have to do, but sometimes, saying hello again is the thing that breaks you down and makes you more vulnerable than you ever thought possible. Sometimes, change is too much to bear. but most of the time, change is the only thing saving your life.”

empty

thoughtless
emotionless
feeling of nothing.
emptiness
GAHHHHHHHH 

Officially Done

so this is how it feels.
i actually feel really GREAT.
i may not sound like it via blogging but i do (:
i thought i was over before, but i wasn't.
but NOW i know that i am.
it's different from what i felt before.
it's something i've never felt.
it feels pretty GOOD.


i went to visit my high school a few days ago and i met a friend of mine.
we were (i guess you can say) really close.
shit happened and i left school so we got distant.
but when we were taking a 'walk' outside the school, we had a nice conversation (i think?).
she asked me if i was still into the guy.
i said no. then it just hit me. i actually don't. AT ALL.
then she goes on saying "yeah, please don't fall for him again. i really don't want to see you guys together again. like ever."
so i said "no way. never again."
(finally realizing that i won't)


a few days before going to my high school. my best friend had a huge fight with her boy friend.
they've been together for a little over 2 years and they were on the verge of breaking up.
(they were on and off so i thought it was just one of those. but it wasn't)
she got hurt. emotionally and physically. which made me mad.
believe me, if you heard all the shit she's been through, you'd want to damage her boy friend so much that he'd suffer taking each breath.
this was a lot worse and more serious than ever before.
she said that she wanted to work things out.
that's what she always says. she looks at the bright side.
she told her other friend to do the same.
talk to her boy friend, talk it out and get to a solution.
that's what she told me.
she said "i know you still care for him, it's the same as i feel towards my boy friend. i love him but i hate him. love-hate relationship. talk to him about the stuff you're feeling but i'm just telling you to be careful. set boundaries and be bitchy"
and that is exactly what i did (and still somewhat doing)


time does heal.
it took me a while.
made a few mistakes that were worth a million truths.
but i got here.
i do regret. i always regret.
but I'M DONE.
no more of those crappy "oh i think i still love you." "take me back." "i remember when...blahblah"
nothing but pure joy of forgetting that douchebag.
i still care for him but not as much.
i really don't care what he does. it's his fucking life.
in my opinion, no offence dude but you're fucked up.
i'm saying this really nicely.


i realized that i was a fucking retard and pathetic before.
but you know what.
you're even worse.


so here i say the proud words that i actually mean to say.
i am so over you.
FINALLY
fucking shit


p.s. not a april fools jokes bitch

blem

life

i look at myself in the mirror and think of all the things i went through.
all the things that i went through to get where i am right now.
i start to remember all the things i've given up to be here.
all the things i've dealt with and gotten here.
remembering old times.
things i regret.
things i want to forget.


look at where i am right now.
would this all have changed?
if i chose to stay in school,
if i chose to go to college,
if i chose to have some kind of future for myself?
it seems like i've always had the choice to choose.
one or the other.
and i've always chose the wrong one.
or at least not the best choice.


i think there's more that i regret than not regretting.
people say just move on and don't look back.
but i can't help it.
i can't help it thinking what might have happened if i chose the other.
what if i chose something new instead of going for the old.
what if i chose to do something different instead of keeping it safe and stay with no changes.
what if i chose you instead of him.
what if....?


time goes on.
later on i'll look back at what i'm doing right now.
i'll probably regret about it, but i'll move on.
everyone moves on at some point.
i still feel like i'm stuck in the past. 
i need to move on.
changes, something different, something new.
something that i've never felt or seen or dealt with before.
i think that's how i'll be able to move on from the past.
something that'll get me out from this.


to tell you the truth
i regret not going for him.
i regret telling him lies and how i treated him.
i regret the things i've said.
i regret for being scared.
for not taking chances.
now it's too late.
i had a chance but i gave it up to be with the old.
he moved on. they all moved on.


one day.
there will be a day.
the day when i'll tell everything that happened to me.
the time, day, month.
everything about me.
wait for it.
it'll be a reminder for me.
i never want to forget.
never.

one of "those" thoughts

i'm 
so 
(fucking)
lost...


my life, at the moment, feels like CRAP
i don't go to school. i don't do anything but work, sleep and eat.
i feel like i'm a slob and just wasting my life and time.
i get to compare myself to other people my age.
they have all their shit figured out and what in the world am I doing.
i'm stuck in this deep, dark hole with no way to escape.
that is unless i dig it out myself and find a way up.
THAT'S what i need to do but right now, but, like i said...
i'm so fucking lost.
everything i do seems to just DRAG ME DOWN.
is it because i'm confused? or is it just because i can't think straight.
i feel different. i mean it's good to be different right? 
but NOT in THIS kind of way...
i mean who is it to tell me to do what to do right?
i can do whatever i want right?
but what if i don't know what i want to do?
what if i don't know what i want from my life?
what if i just don't know....about everything
fml

v-day

happy valentine's day




i feel so lonely...

Questions

questions.
we have numerous amount of questions but a limited amount of answers. 
(well at least that's how it feels like)
can all the questions be answered?


the thought of having a question but not being able to get an answer.
it feels like as if you're waiting for something, but you don't know what it is. 
you feel insecure so you start to question even more.
when does this end? 
when the answer is told.


valentine's day's coming soon.
i don't really care about it since i have no one to spend it with.
(pretty depressing isn't it?)
i don't really mind having no one. 
it'll be nice if i did but i don't and i'm fine with it.
but i will admit i do get jealous at the site of couples on that day.
valentine's day.


who made that day anyways?
what is valentine's day?
it's about love. 
that's all that i know of.
something that everyone wants to feel.
love.


the big L word.
some people are afraid to use that word.
they think it's too serious.
they think it's just a joke.
they use it to call their friends.
family. wife. husband. boyfriend. girlfriend.


there was a time when someone told me that they loved me.
and to tell the truth, i don't know what that means.
what does it mean when you say you love someone?
that you'll risk everything for that one person?
that you'll give up anything just to be with that person?
what is the definition of love?
if i go on the street and ask people what love means,
i'll probably get different answers. 
so there is no real definition of love.
you can't really explain what it is.
it's an emotion, an expression.
it's something really hard to describe.
it's easy to fall for but difficult to get out from it.
it has to be carefully dealt with.


people fall in love all the time.
and it's always painful to...how do you say it...
get out? break free? break up?
the pain that anyone can feel when there is no love.


how does that pain go away?
how can it heal?
will it ever go away?
or will i always have this wound...

finally

happy birthday to me (:

nothing can ruin today 

because i'm finally LEGAL

where to?

i'm going no where