what now

turns out i can't just give up that easily.
getting reality check from my friend. who used to be more than a friend.
it hurts. more than a bitch, more than anything.
but i needed it.
i need to realize what's right in front of me. 
stop hoping or expecting.
even though i hate him, it's how much i like him.
i hate him to the extent that i want to rip his balls off and feed it to him.
(so my friend said i should do)
but then again i like him to the extent that i'll give up almost anything.
(i did give up almost everything already..)
who knew that i would turn out to be like this.
i didn't know i had this in me.
i didn't want it and i still don't want it.
isn't this the reason why i couldn't be with other guys?
i couldn't give up anything for anyone. scared of commitment. (what i'm best at, which is now fucked up)
what changed me? why did i change?
i don't know what to do...
feel confused, depressed, annoyed, angry. all these emotions except for happiness or anything of that line.
help?