fate

i was talking to my friend on messenger and we came across talking about regrets.

i'm learning to let go, to stop regretting and being so hard on myself.

it's always painful to forget something or someone that was so important to you.

but one by one it starts to ease and you'll be over it in no time.

my friend told me to think of it in this way.

if things were supposed to happen, then it would have.

like fate.

in his example, it was something like this.

seeing friends in the bus or in the mall. 

choices that he's made that ended up in "oh what the fuck, i didn't expect that."

it's fate. 

these things are to help us in our tough times.

when we are going through our struggles.

something that will get us back on track. 

something that will put us at ease.

i don't know if i believe in fate.

i don't know if i believe in anything.

but as far as i'm concerned, i have friends to help me.

with different friends with different point of views, it helps me get through each day.

one friend said that they're not sure if they believe in fate.

it's all luck based.

another friend said that they don't believe in fate.

by taking the definition in the dictionary she has explained to me that everything isn't predetermined unless it's related to some kind of religion. everything changes all the time and it's the choices that people make that will change their lives. nothing is predetermined other than the fact that the physical body will start decaying and die one day. 

i don't know what fate is.

i'm not sure if i will ever believe in it.

it's just one of those things (:

blast from the past

i had a conversation with a friend of mine.
it was about all the things we did together last year.
all the shit we've been through.
the laughs, cries, screams, everything. 
this time it was different.
i didn't regret anything.
i wished that we could go back, to do the same mistakes or the right choices.
but i didn't regret doing something wrong. 
my friend and i had a lot to talk about.
it felt like such a long time since i've talked to him.
he's right there for me, all the time (i think? haha). 
i've never really thought about that. 
we miss what we did together and with our friends.
at school, at a party, just chatting on facebook even.
we were just looking back. 
we've both moved on, but not fully.
we do miss those days, and hope to go back.
but we never regret. 
just keep looking forward.
hopefully we make more memories we'll remember in the future.

crush

someone told me a while ago that liking someone just as a crush is better than being in a relationship with them.
so i dared to ask them why.
they simply replied...
"because if you have a crush on them, it makes your heart pound like crazy, gives you butterflies in your stomach, and it just makes you happy."
when i heard that at first, i thought 'is this person stupid?' 
i mean being in a relationship is obviously way better than just liking someone one-sided. they treat you right, they love you, care for you, do everything for you. right? RIGHT? no. not always.
from where i stand at the moment. it is better to just have a crush.
even though he might not know how you're feeling towards him. it's the feeling you get when you see him, when you're near him, when you hear him. 
it's just everything about him makes you happy.
that's how i feel.
my girl friends make me smile, laugh like never before and be happy. 
so does he, but in a different way and a lot more from him.
i don't think it'll work out if we were ever in a relationship and i like it this way.
he probably doesn't know and he probably has some other girl.
but the fact that he makes me smile like the happiest girl in the world, the fact that he makes me laugh really loud, the fact that he just makes me happy for who i am.
just talking to him puts a smile on my face. 
it's hard to describe exactly what i'm feeling. 
all i can say is
it's just a crush (:

epiphany

nothing much these days, just working and chillin with my girlfriends.
helping my parents a lot at home now.
barely going out at night.
watched Thor with a few friends last friday after work. awesome movie!
still havent watched Fast Five. i must watch it soon.
got a friend of mine at my workplace.
there's really nothing interesting around me.
i kind of miss all the fun i had during winter...
but i have to stop thinking about it.
i've done a good job not regretting what i did.
what i did about a week ago. i dont regret that at all.
he hasn't replied so fuck it.
where's the epiphany i learnt last week monday.
i always waste my time thinking about him, how to make him happy, how i can help him out, things i needed to do to get his attention. it was all a waste of time. i was just giving good shit to him. jackets, clothes, food, he borrowed money from me, transit fares...like what in the world is wrong with me?!?!? really am i that stupid?
i was but not anymore. i'm not going to waste my time worrying about him when i have way better things to do.
the more i think about it, he's been nothing but a really bad influence on me.
we would bun up, munh on food, be lazy and do nothing!
now i work more, exercise, not spend my money on weed, and my family and friends like me better this way.
all you got to know is that i'm happy.
i'm happy and doing very well, perfectly fine without him.
i cannot believe i just found this out a week ago, when i should have known this months ago.
i'm fairly disappointed in myself but at least i know know it now.
better than finding it out a year later right?
i'm proud of myself, the fact that i don't have him to embarrass me.
he's not going to pull me down anymore.
he is done and completelyout of my life for good.
i think i've learnt a very important life lesson because of him.
so i thank you for that and i hope you have a good life knowing that for all the shit you've done, i'll be happier without you.
know this too, there are other people who don't like you and they call themselves your friends. not my problem but i just wanted to say that you were one of them.

sometimes i feel like i'm the only one left.
i'm the only one feeling so dead.
feel like i'm all alone.
but i know my friends are there for me.
i know that they still care. i know they still love me.
it's just me.

weird

i feel like today's a weird day...i asked my ex why he cheated on me. he was high. (no shit) but not super high. high enough. it was weird. i told him he knew it was coming someday. he asked why now. i told him because i have the guts to ask. before i didn't. i'm really curious. i really want to know. i thought he's going to use his high as an excuse. and i was right. he did. he told me that he would text me or something when he sobers up. i said no. i want to know now. and because there's a party the next day and i know that he was going to get CRUNK. (most likely just high the fuck out of his mind). right now i bet that he's thinking wtf is wrong with this bitch. why is she acting like this. what's wrong with her. blah blah blah talking shit about me. whatever. he said one thing. just ONE THING that made him cheat on me. i knew it was going to be THAT because he told me before. but i never knew that people were talking about. people as in his friends and my friends. i really didn't think that he'd believe in them since i was his girlfriend. (but as always i was wrong, i guess friends do come first for him) before when we were going out. i asked him what was bothering him. i literally had to FORCE him to talk to me about how he felt. it's weird. he tells me to tell him everything that's on my mind. and i did. but he didn't tell me anything that was on his mind. i thought that that was a little odd. but that was the past. this is now. so i asked him if that was all but i knew there was more. i knew i ruined his high so he was probably thinking somewhat straight forward. then he just stood there not saying anything. i told him that i would stand there until he told me. nothing. i wait. nothing. i said that he was hopeless and just walked away. i text him when i got home (maybe that wasn't such a good idea..but oh well i already did). i said that i'd wait for him to tell me since he said that he would when he sobers up. i also said that he probably wouldn't talk to me EVER again (true...) so if it's better then text me about it. (but really i highly doubt that he will) i think what he will do is get high the fuck out of his mind tonight at the party and try to forget about it. never think about it again. never talk to me again. THE END. of our friendship. my friend told me that we would be friends again. but it might take a long time. (even longer than what it took before, a few good months). right now, after 2 hours of that shot conversation i'm thinking. i just lost another good friend of mine. but it had to come out some day right? i mean i couldn't ask before because i was a fucking pussy but now it's different. I'M DIFFERENT. i can't just hold it in any longer. we were still talking, we were still close friends after the break up. but i knew, we knew, that this day would come. it happened. all we gotta do is WAIT. well that's what i'm going to be doing. i'm not sure about him. today's a weird day. it's one of those days that i'll remember. it's one of those days i'll constantly think of and tell my friends i forgot about it. it's one of those days that i'll regret. not this time. i will NOT BE REGRETTING what i did because what i did a few hours ago, i should have done a while ago. when we started as friends again. a few good months ago. but what can i do now. nothing. all i have to do is wait. i'm impatient. very impatient but waiting is all i can do at this time. hopefully it doesn't turn out like my other ruined friendships. i'm hoping something good happens. if anything GOOD can happen.

stupefied

so my dad picked me up from work with my mom.

something's different. the mood was different.

i said "hi appa!"

no response. as he drives he starts tearing.

he's trying to say something but he starts crying.

i'm shocked.

i have never seen my dad cry. NEVER.

i'm speechless. it's personal issues but i'm blogging it...

my grandparents got a divorce when i was a baby. 

before i came to canada they were done and over with.

then all of a sudden, one day a call from australia. 

it's my uncle and he says to my grandma that his father's dead.

a call came from the police to my aunt in korea. 

they said that her father died.

they don't know when or how.

he just died.

i really thought that my dad wouldn't care.

well maybe a little since it's his biological dad but i mean he hasn't seen him for such a long time i really didn't know that it would be so hard on him.

then i come to think that maybe he did care. it was his dad after all.

as soon as my dad tells us i text my sister.

she called me right away.

she asks what happened, how did they find out, when did it happen etc.

"i don't know" is all i said. we actually don't.

so here we are feeling depressed. 

a few moments ago it was all happy joy joy for me.

now i don't know what to feel.

i feel upset that my dad's crying and he lost his dad.

i feel upset seeing my dad in this state. and really it's not the best time. (more personal issues that i will not go into detail)

i have plans for tomorrow to chill with friends. i don't think i should go...i think it's best for me to stay with my family and just try to comfort my dad.

but how? 

this is new to me. i didn't have to deal with a dead family member before. 

well i did but not someone this close. not that my grandpa was close to me at all but he's still a part of the family, somewhat.

i have a responsibility as a daughter but what do i do...?

sometimes

“Sometimes, there are things in our life that aren’t meant to stay. Sometimes, change may not be what we want. Sometimes, change is exactly what we need. And sometimes, saying goodbye is the hardest thing you think you’ll ever have to do, but sometimes, saying hello again is the thing that breaks you down and makes you more vulnerable than you ever thought possible. Sometimes, change is too much to bear. but most of the time, change is the only thing saving your life.”